Fake Yoga Teacher Bio
Tori began practicing yoga last week after a girlfriend told her it was a great way to meet men. Raised a Baptist in rural Alberta, Tori was initially very wary of yoga as she feared it might be from the devil. She still isn’t sure. Yogic philosophy is written in Sanskrit and it’s a well known fact that God speaks English.
Tori recently acquired her teaching certificate through the prestigious organization known in yoga circles as YouTube. Tori finds teaching extremely rewarding as she is kinda bossy and likes telling people what to do. She also enjoys making other people do yoga far more than doing it herself as she tends to look ridiculous and is genetically predisposed to crotch sweat.
Tori’s practice centers around wearing stretchy pants and practicing Sirsasana- the only yoga pose really worth doing. All other poses were created by people who couldn’t do Sirsasana and are basically bullshit. Her classes invite students to open up and admire her in her lovely stretchy pants. Tori doesn't fraternize with students as she generally believes herself to be much better than they are. Direct eye contact with her during class is a no no. Let’s face it, she’s a yoga teacher and as such is obviously far more interesting and spiritually advanced than you are. I mean come on, she’s been to India THREE TIMES! She's even got a spiritual name that she can't ponounce. Beat that.
A born thespian, Tori likes to integrate her love of theatre into yoga classes by teaching in character of one of the original cast members of Star Trek. Only the original series- all the shows that came after were complete crap. Tori is always overjoyed when no one shows up to her classes because it gives her the opportunity to root through the lost and found and make forts out of the yoga props.
Tori is currently broke, living in her parents’ basement, and kind of out of shape. She is involved in a lawsuit against Elizabeth Gilbert whose book 'Eat Pray Love' is a blatant copy of Tori’s earlier work 'Drink Curse Vomit.'