Reflections on my bad little project a couple months in
Publicly flaunting what I see as shortcomings and weakness has not been easy. A whole lotta processing/editing takes place before I post something.
I'm a perfectionist and a workaholic in recovery. For much of my life I worked so hard to be good- it didn't matter what at. I labored under the assumption that if I continually bettered myself that at some magic point self acceptance and peace of mind would naturally follow. Apparently life doesn't work that way.
Being good at something (anything!) meant I was always conforming to external standards of practice or behavior. I know I'm not the only person that falls into the trap of using others people's judgement to gauge my worth (I wonder how many likes this will get?!) No wonder we are all so anxious. In giving myself permission to be bad I'm finding that more and more I'm also giving myself the freedom to be authentic. To say fuck it and just be. It's nice. I like it.